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15 October 2014

Your Fat Is Unequivocally Your Fault #5- Goerge Romero Is A Modern Day Nostradamus


Every now and again, when I have that special little extra glow of hate in my heart, like I'm ET's evil cousin sent from hell to destroy the Earth, I mosey on over to a sad little corner of the internet called "Dances With Fat", wherein a shaved, tuskless walrus does its level best to convince the world that she is indeed human, and that being a disgusting fat body is perfectly ok.  And by "perfectly ok" I mean that everyone on planet Earth NEEDS to recognize that "fat is beautiful", "fat is healthy", and that some people just can't help being fat, and we should let them waddle amongst us as if they're real people with brains and souls.



She's a dancin' fool.

In one of her latest installments, the odobenus expert and adiposity apologist decided she would rail against the media's portrayal of Type II diabetes as a land whale related issue:

"An ABC news online report today lead with the line “Half of all American adults are destined to develop diabetes or pre-diabetes by 2020 if they don’t slim down….” It goes on to talk about the “diabesity epidemic”
While I applaud the portmanteau, I have to come down against horrible, irresponsible, unprofessional reporting.
Being overweight doesn't cause diabetes. I know that because the American Diabetes Association says on their website:
Myth: If you are overweight or obese, you will eventually develop type 2 diabetes.
Fact:  Being overweight is a risk factor for developing this disease, but other risk factors such as family history, ethnicity and age also play a role. Unfortunately, too many people disregard the other risk factors for diabetes and think that weight is the only risk factor for type 2 diabetes.  Most overweight people never develop type 2 diabetes, and many people with type 2 diabetes are at a normal weight or only moderately overweight.
Correlation is not causation. The fact that two things happen at the same time doesn’t mean that they cause each other.  It’s quite possible that both things are caused by a third factor, or that they are unrelated.  For example studies are starting to show that, in countries where there is no stigma on obesity, there aren’t negative health outcomes of obesity.  More studies are needed to determine if the constant shame, stigma and guilt faced by obese people in the other cultures causes the health issues, or if it’s something else, or if causality can actually be linked to weight" (Chastain).
That's really her, and I did not add the music myself.  This actually happened.  In real life.

Ah, how lovely it must be to rest one's fat ass on that favorite  adage of the lazy pseudointellectual, "correlation does not equal causation," and utilize it to justify a horrendous and pathetic lifestyle centered around claiming to love the cellulite on your face.  Apparently, our fat-bodied, troglodytic shit pile of an author ran out of rage and Twinkie fueled steam before she could type out "diabetes obesity correlation" into Pubmed, because science bends this fat bitch over and blindly searches for a hole before giving up in disgust and just rapes her face with a broken bottle dusted with cayenne pepper.



Consider this pre-emptive eye wash, because shit's about to get real.

"In a nationally representative sample of US adults, the prevalence of diabetes increases with increasing weight classes. Nearly one fourth of adults with diabetes have poor glycemic control and nearly half of adult diabetics are considered obese suggesting that weight loss is an important intervention in an effort to reduce the impact of diabetes on the health care system" (Nguyen).  That statement would appear to definitively and decisively contradict, though it doesn't explain why the correlation exists.  Luckily, another study does- high levels of a molecule called retinol-binding protein 4 leads to insulin resistance, and those high levels are found in obese people (Moraes-Vieira PM).  The human body treats RBP4 like a foreign invader and wrecks havoc on the body's adaptive immune system, causing systemic inflammation, insulin resistance (which of course leads to more fatness), and eventually diabetes.  In short, getting obese can pretty much turn your body into a runaway train of sadness and fatness... and zombification.




Yes, zombification.  You see, the obese suffer from ailments of which most of us cannot conceive.  For instance, health care professionals often find random things hidden in the panniculi (the pocket underneath a fat fold) of obese patients.  I asked a nurse friend to ask her friends what they'd found in panniculi, and here was the list a few of them compiled (Facebook):

  • Half of a sandwich
  • Pill bottle-still full.
  • Pack of cigarettes
  • Cockroach
  • Remote control from home she'd been looking for "for over a month"
  • A whole, king-size Snicker
  • Furry green object that later determined to be a half eaten cheese sandwich
  • Bugs
  • Creamy yellow yeast build-up from candidiasis
  • Maggots
  • Hershey's chocolate bar with the foil packaging decaying and stuck to the skin, discovered when an unusual rectangular opacity showed up on chest X-ray
  • Teaspoon 
  • Teabag
  • Lemon Drop candies
  • $20 bill
  • Raven .25 auto (though it was under a pancake tit, not a pannus)
  • Peppermint candies, "to help with the smell"
  • Hidden tattoos
  • Bag of Lays chips, half eaten "and growing into skin lollipop"
  • Straws
  • Utensils 
  • Sugar packets
This is a grade 3 panniculus.  They go up to grade 5, however.  You don't want to see grade 5.

You see, not only do these subhumans like to sit in their dank basement apartments pretending to be Galactus while their pile of double-down sandwiches represents our solar system, but they enjoy being filthy, disease-ridden piles of slowly-rotting adipose tissue covered in open sores... much like zombies.  And no, I don't mean filthy in the way I'm filthy, the "that sucked when I got pink eye because that chick missed my mouth and squirted diarrhea in my eye filthy", because I bathe on a daily basis.  We're talking about people who will not move for so long their skin becomes fused to toilets, fused to couches,  and fused to recliners- people who are so incredibly unwashed they live in their own shit and piss for years without bathing.


I circled the maggots for you.  You're quite welcome.

Luckily for them, they can't feel the maggots crawling around on them because with type two diabetes, a condition of damage to sensory nerves results, known as peripheral neuropathy.  Basically, they're like Adam Sandler in Mr. Deeds, capable of having their feet beaten to a bloody pulp with a hammer and wouldn't notice a thing.  Well, they'd be like Adam Sandler in Mr. Deeds if Sandler gained 200 lbs and gave up on life to the point where showering was a daunting task and a 12 hour, 20 minute finish in a marathon- at a whopping 1.55mph- would be considered a triumph.  While you might be channelling your inner Daniel Tosh and asserting that the incapability of feeling pain would make you well-nigh a superhero, in the land whale population, it's actually the opposite- this is what precipitates the actual rotting portion of the zombification that the excess fat began in the the fatties brains (if you don't feel like clicking, low intelligence correlates strongly with obesity).


Frankly, she'd be in bad shape even for a zombie.

Here's where fat people become imminently more disgusting, and I'm sure a great many of you will climb aboard the ol' Pain Train to shout epithets our our burgeoning population of rotting, corpulent land beasts- these, disgusting, unwashed, waddling ocular assaults have what is known in the scientific world as "shitty skin integrity."  In essence, they're literally falling apart.  Common skin conditions among the obese are:


  • Diabetic Foot Ulcers- "Almost 24 million adults in the United States have diabetes, and obesity is one of the main risk factors for Type II diabetes" (Lowe).  About 15% of these slowly apirating cesspits of adiposity with the fat beetus (Type 2 diabetes) have diabetic foot ulcers and are the most common reason for diabetic patient admission to hospitals.  Slap a bandaid on it and sally forth, you say?  Nah, bro- you forget these failure piles aren't humans and lack human immune systems.  A foot ulcer in a diabetic land whale results in osteomyelitis, amputation, or death because they're so fucking ill and filthy that normal antibiotics often fail to quell a simple skin infection (Ibid).
"You know a doctor or a podiatrist has to cut the toenails on a diabetic patient?  RN's can't even do it, and they don't recommend the patient's do it themselves.  Because one little wound from accidentally cutting off too much nail and breaking the skin can spiral into a shitstorm of ulcers, zombie-foot, and amputation.  Oh!  Sometimes toes are so rotted and dead that they will just fall off in the patients bed!  Yay!"- A nurse friend who wants to keep her job and so contributed anonymously.
  •  Venous Insufficiency Ulcers- This is a condition in which the hideous shitpiles cannot force enough blood into their massive, distended extremities to support life.  Before anyone leaps to the defense of the fat on this, there is "a significant association between BMI and increased clinical severity of chronic venous disease" (Ibid).  It's not just a venous disease thing- the fatties have such shitty epididimal integrity that any reduction in blood flow basically results in these sorry motherfuckers' bodies falling apart (ibid).
  • Lymphedema- This fun-filled spectacle is the result of impaired lymph drainage, which causes swelling of the limbs, bacterial infections, and thickening of the skin (Ibid).  When this occurs, the skin cracks, infection sets in, and out comes the bone saw.  
  • Intertrigo- For those of you who squat as often as I do and have extreme thigh hypertrophy, you're aware that baby powder is a necessity if you're going to be walking any real distance.  Fat people, apparently, can't be bothered, and suffer from intertrigo, which are skin folds that retain heat and moisture as the result of friction between skin surfaces.  Prepare to heave up your last meal, as "frequent sites of intertrigo are skin folds and areas that retain heat and moisture such as: posterior neck, axilla, under breasts, under pannus, perineal area, and inner thighs" (Ibid).  If you didn't catch that, it's common under fat folds, man titties, the taint, the armpit, AND THE BACK OF THE NECK.  That shit results in inflammation, liquification of the skin, and skin erosion, in addition to the standard bone-saw attracting infections.
Let there be cleanse.
  • Psoriasis- We've all seen commercials for psoriasis, and they don't feature humanoid Jabba the Huts.  This is called "false advertising", because there's a stark "correlation between obesity, metabolic syndrome, cardiovascular risk and psoriasis" (Ibid).  So, we can add skin redness and irritation to their list of ailments.
  • Perineal Dermatitis- Oh joy!  As if they weren't filthy enough, fatties are often incontinent, which gives them infections of their taint skin... because they can't be bothered to wipe after they shit or piss themself.
  • Pressure Ulcers- Perhaps the most disgusting thing on the list, these overstuffed halfwits manage to get so fat that the weight of their skin pressing on other skin causes the underlying skin to die from lack of blood flow.  Frankly, of all of the impossible shit on thsi list, this seems the hardest for me to wrap my considerable intellect around, because even when I've gone hogging I've never fucked a chick so fat or immobile that such a condition could occur.  Apparently, however, it occurs, and it's a common cause of necrosis in fat people... or should we just start calling them zombies?  If they're simply rotting alive, don't notice it, and are simply driven by the urge to keep eating and do nothing else, calling the obese zombies seems appropriate.

Not sure if this is a pic hospital in North Carolina during the Civil War or from last week.  It's one or the other... or both.

Lest you think that the whine of the bone saw isn't as frequent as I've suggested, think again.  Hospitals these days, especially in the American South, are turning into Civil War battlefield hospitals, and lopping off off gangrenous limbs is an all-too-frequent occurrence where the diabetic adipose-abundant are concerned.  Sure, people who aren't disgusting fatasses dripping with type II diabetes get shit amputated as well... at a rate eight times lower than that of the fatties (Johannson).  And if you think that diabetes-related amputations aren't all that frequent, think again- "diabetes-related amputation per 10,000 persons with diabetes in 1991 was 95.25 in African-Americans, 55.98 in non-Hispanic whites, and 44.43 in Hispanics," and the incidence of type II diabetes has more than doubled in the last 20 years (Johannesson, AFP).  Though those statistics don't differentiate between the diabetes types, the nurses I surveyed estimated that the rate of amputation for Type II to Type I was greater than 20:1, due in large part to the fact that Type II diabetes in the US is generally the result of poor diet, lack of exercise, and generally being a useless, worthless, contemptible piece of shit, and the fact that Type II diabetes accounts for 90-95% of the diabetes in the United States (AFP).


In short, the segment of the population identified as obese is a vacuous, filthy, diabetic, maggot-infested, slowly rotting group of selfish and useless individuals who are systematically reducing modern medicine to Civil War standards and practices by making the the bone saw one of the most important ER surgery tools and who are placing an undue strain on society as a whole.  While I will stop short of advocating genocide, I wouldn't suggest taking some drastic measures would be out of the question- if whale oil can fuel lamps, be used to create soap, and provide humanity with a non-toxic alternative to transmission fluid, it seems we could easily find a use for the obese.  Given that we've established they're stupid, terrible drivers, filthy, diseased, worthless sacks of shit, we might as well find some use for them, even if it's just in death.



Cleanse?

A short addendum from an RN:
"It would be awesome, but nigh impossible, to find data re: money / hours / productivity lost secondary to obesity.  E.g., some patients have to be manually turned, side to side every 2 hours, while in bed. For a normal sized person that takes one or two RNs. For a walrus it takes 4 or 5 (or more). Every two hours.  For a normal pt it takes only 1 RN to insert a foley catheter. Fatties = 4 or more: one each to hold the legs back/open, 1 or 2 to hold back the pannus, 1 to aim the flashlight, and 1 to insert.Bigger wheelchairs, bigger beds, bigger bed sheets, more medication (antibiotics are fire weight-based)"

Sources:
AFP Relaxnews.  Diabetes rose dramatically from mid-1990's to 2010: CDC; Prevalence of the disease increased by at least 50% in 42 of the country's 50 states.  Daily News.  19 Nov 2012.  Web.  16 Oct 2014.  http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/health/diabetes-rose-dramatically-mid-1990-2010-cdc-article-1.1204421

Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center. Critical link between obesity, diabetes identified. ScienceDaily. 6 Mar 2013.  Web.  14 Oct 2014.  www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/03/140306112210.htm

Chastain, Ragan.  The Truth about “Diabesity.”  Dances With Fat.  25 Nov 2010.  Web.  14 Oct 2014.  https://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/2010/11/25/the-truth-about-diabesity/


Facebook status for Allison Bartley.  Facebook.  27 Sep 2014.  Web.  14 Oct 2014.  https://www.facebook.com/allison.selmon.bartley/posts/10152470904074825


Johannesson A, Larsson GU, Ramstrand N, Turkiewicz A, Wiréhn AB, Atroshi I.  Incidence of lower-limb amputation in the diabetic and nondiabetic general population: a 10-year population-based cohort study of initial unilateral and contralateral amputations and reamputations.  Diabetes Care. 2009 Feb;32(2):275-80.

Lowe JR.Skin Integrity in Critically Ill Obese Patients.  Crit Care Nurs Clin North Am. Sep 2009; 21(3): 311–v.


Moraes-Vieira PM, Yore MM, Dwyer PM, Syed I, Aryal P, Kahn BB.  RBP4 activates antigen-presenting cells, leading to adipose tissue inflammation and systemic insulin resistance.  Cell Metab. 2014 Mar 4;19(3):512-26.


Nguyen NT, Nguyen XM, Lane J, Wang P.  Relationship between obesity and diabetes in a US adult population: findings from the National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey, 1999-2006.  Obes Surg. 2011 Mar;21(3):351-5. 

03 October 2014

The Most Important Thing in Life Is Protein

Nothing fails to shock me more than the consistent whining of lifters about their stalled lifts, shitty lifts, or lack of muscular gains.  It doesn't take a genius to figure out the problem-the reason is always "your diet, bro."  It's not just that their diet sucks, which it almost invariably does, but that they're not eating enough.  I'm not referring to not being on a bulking diet- I'm simply referring to the fact that their total amount of food consumed would likely only be suitable for small children, emaciated models, or, say, grown men under 150 lbs who struggle to bench their bodyweight.



Before you fly off the handle and start screaming obscenities at your computer screen in a hilarious fit of impotent rage, consider the fact that nearly every great lifter in history is well known for their prodigious appetite.  Perhaps it was due to the fact that their training workload was often twice to three times as great as that of the modern lifter, and they simply had to eat or die.  Or maybe it was due to the fact that those lifters understood, unlike the modern trainee, that in order to get big and lift massive weights, one must eat a tremendous amount of food.


Larry and Vince are saying "Pay some fucking attention, little people" from the grave.

Over the years, I've noticed that the adage popularized by Larry Scott and Vince Gironda, that weight training or bodybuilding is 90% nutrition, seems to have become the byline of the douche in the gym swilling some day glow drink in the middle of the gym, clutching his fancy shaker bottle between his gloved hands as if it were a chalice containing the blood of a long-dead Jewish messiah.  That adage becomes their justification for spending innumerable dollars on supplements of dubious benefit in spite of the fact that they have no appreciable muscle and their best lift is probably a 25 lb concentration curl.  As a result, I've shied from agreeing with Scott's belief, as I'd not realized that the idea of proper nutrition was so ingrained I didn't think about it consciously, and I make a concerted effort to distance myself from the kids in the Bodybuilding.com shirts.


Meanwhile, on Reddit...

That, of course, was rather silly of me.  Though I write rather extensively on dieting, I don't think I've ever taken great pains to express the importance of it.  Clearly, training and sleep factor into the equation as well, but with insufficient food, all of the training and sleep in the world will amount to little more than fuckall.  So, allow me to take this time to climb atop the nearest proverbial mountain peak and proclaim to the world at large:


Diet is responsible for at least 50% of success in strength sports. 

Which, of course, leaves us with the question of what that statement should mean to the average trainee, most of whom seem to find themselves easily confused by conflicting information and the constant hammering of "NATTY LIFTERS CAN'T EAT PROTONZ LIKE GEAR MONKEYS BECAUSE NEBULOUS SCIENCE AND GENERAL SADDIFICATION."  They'll overwhelm you with studies about gut clearance and nitrogen retention and other assorted nonsense, most of which is related in such gibberish that you can be assured they don't understand what they're recounting (a good rule of thumb is that if someone cannot explain something in layman's terms, they don't understand it themselves).  Moreover, they have no knowledge of history or archaeology, so they will actually assert that something definitively proven to be possible is actually impossible, because fuck common sense, the historical record, and getting huge.


George Eiferman (r), who could bench 400 lbs cold at a bodyweight of 195, and Steve Reeves (l), who could clean 225 lbs while kneeling, both consumed incredibly high protein diets.

It's difficult, if not impossible, to find a pre-steroid era strongman or bodybuilder who didn't value protein above all else and eat it in massive amounts.  We'll skip over the archaeological evidence I've given previously in regards to the greatest conquering peoples on the planet having meat-heavy indigenous diets, and the fact that Cro-Magnons ate the same insanely meat-heavy diet as Neanderthals, which according to the the science "gurus" should have killed them, and get right to a few examples of a few lifters who based their diets on protein.



The Saxon Trio
The Saxon Trio were basically the turn-of-the century Dream Team of strongman exhibition.  Not only were their lifts about as untouchable as a broad in a chastity belt's clitoris, but it was essentially impossible to out eat or out drink them as well.  
"For breakfast they ate 24 eggs and 3 pounds of smoked bacon; porridge with cream, honey, marmalade and tea with plenty of sugar. At three o’clock they had dinner: ten pounds of meat was consumed with vegetables (but not much potatoes); sweet fruits, raw or cooked, sweet cakes, salads, sweet puddings, cocoa and whipped cream and very sweet tea. Supper, after the show, they had cold meat, smoked fish, much butter, cheese and beer."
"Later, in England, as performers, Hermann and Kurt were partial to sweet foods and sugar. They tried very hard to gain weight but in spite of sweets and a terrific appetite, sometimes consuming one pound of butter between them, they failed to gain weight; sometimes only a few pounds which they could not hold. Arthur, the oldest, did not care for sweets and butter; even as a child he did not care for butter. Instead of butter he would use the lard from pork. Hermann and Kurt, in addition to other things, could make two pounds of marmalade and two quarts of very sweet cocoa disappear at one meal. Kurt was the heaviest eater of the three and for breakfast alone he could consume 24 eggs cooked in one-half pound of butter.
Their three o'clock dinner consisted mostly of roasted or fried meat, beef, pork or veal, not much potatoes, plenty of salads with oil just as in their childhood. Sometimes they had vegetables, but always lean meat. Every day they had pudding-yorkshire, rice, sago, etc., but very sweet. Then there was always raw or cooked fruits and nothing to drink. Sometimes, on one day during the week, they roasted poultry, goose, chicken, or turkey.


'Many times I ate an 11 pound goose alone,' Kurt informed me [Ed: That's 151 grams of protein and around 12,000 calories in a single sitting]. One day during the week they had fried or boiled fish, plenty of butter and toast but no potatoes. At six o'clock they had "tea"-this was mostly raw minced meat with raw onions, German bread and plenty of butter; sometimes sweet cakes and coffee were substituted.
Their late supper included herrings (when they could get them) and eaten in the same manner they had become accustomed to in childhood. The herrings were sometimes used in salad form; they made their own mayonnaise with raw whipped eggs and oil. There never was any whisky or brandy at home. Even as children they did not care for milk and as men they developed no taste for it. At 'tea' time they very often had whipped cream. They did not care for boiled eggs, instead, they went big for poached eggs with plenty of butter" (Gaudreau).  
This means that just in two meals, each of the men, who weighed 210 lbs or less, consumed at the very least 64g of protein from eggs, 48g of protein from bacon, and roughly 80g of protein from their meat.  Thus, before accounting for the protein coming from their cream or pudding and other assorted foodstuffs, they'd each eat almost 200 grams of protein, then have "tea' with raw hamburger and onions, and then a massive, multi-hour meal heavy in meats and cheeses after lifting.



Larry Scott
Larry Scott, first Mr. Olympia and possessor of some of the biggest and strongest arms in history, was adamant about consuming adequate amounts of protein.  According to the man himself,
"Basically I eat a lot of meat, cheese, and eggs. I like cottage cheese and meat-mostly beef in various forms. I eat almost no carbohydrates and very few vegetables. I supplement my diet with Johnson's Protein" (Training Methods).  
"I was using from 11/2 to 2 cups of Johnson's Protein (Rheo H. Blair's Protein) per day. I would mix it with cream and milk. I used about 2/3 of a quart of cream a day in mixing this along with the milk to make it the desired consistency. I took this protein-cream mix three times per day. I would eat 6 to 8 times per day. I would have breakfast, then a snack at 10 A. M. and then lunch at noon, then another snack at 2:30 P.M., then dinner plus the Protein-Cream drink. My evening meal is eaten after I work out" (Ibid).

Scott's diet was incredibly popular at the time, as Rheo Blair had popularized his protein drink, Johnson's Protein, and was basically an evangelist for high-protein diets.  It was common to drink the protein with Half-and-Half, and in the amounts Scott drank it amounted to 156 to 208 grams of protein all on its own (Rheo Blair).  Add in another three to four food meals consisting of nothing but meat and cheese, and the 208 lb Scott was certainly consuming 2 grams of protein per pound of bodyweight or more.



Reg Park
Reg Park, who is both Arnold's idol and the first bodybuilder to bench press 500 lbs., pretty much sweated masculinity the way most hipsters sweat douche.  He was so virile that women spontaneously gave birth in his presence, and his steely-eyed glare could break a man's jaw from across the room.  Given those facts, it's unsurprising that he often started his day with cereal sprinkled with protein powder, slammed 4kg of steak a day with only a cursory attempt to chew it, and drank enough Guiness to permanently disable most people every day (Croft).  In detail, his diet looked like this:

Breakfast
A glass of fresh orange juice
Papaya and banana
A large soup plate of oatmeal with full cream/whole milk & fresh cream
A plate of bacon, eggs, tomato and toast
Tea

Lunch
Large bowl of soup (tomato, pea, minestrone etc.) with rye bread
Vegetables
Steak (2 Kg)
Desert
Tea and chocolate
Wine or stout beer

Dinner
Same as lunch

Just from the steak alone, assuming he was a man of good taste and was eating something like a ribeye or t-bone steak, Park was getting a whopping 380 grams of protein at a bodyweight of 245 lbs.




Bill "Peanuts" West
Frankly, if your nickname is "Peanuts", you're either shopping for a shotgun to pain the walls with your brains or a bonafide hardass.  Though Bill "Peanuts" West was, by all accounts the nicest guy in history, his lifts put him definitively in the "hardass" category.  At a bodyweight of about 198, Peanuts hit a 435 lb bench, a 525 lb squat, 175 lb strict curl, box squatted 770 lb, power cleaned 305 lb, and push jerked 330 lb... at a time when powerlifting didn't actually exist and without even training the Olympic lifts.  Though he started out at just over 100 lbs as a teenager, Peanuts built his body with just that, in massive quantities.
"The nickname "Peanuts" was bestowed upon Bill because he was given a rigid diet at Muscle House of proteins, chiefly peanuts. He ate one pound of raw peanuts daily, also a half-cup of peanut butter each day as well as six spoonfuls of raw peanut oil every 24 hours. Of course, in addition to all this peanut intake he had numerous protein drinks and raw milk as well as many assorted fruit juices" (Liederman).
Peanuts eventually upped his intake of peanuts to push him over the 200 lb mark, though there's no info on how many he ate.  One pound of raw peanuts, however, yields 112 grams of protein all on its own, while the peanut butter yields about another 36, and that hardly accounted for all of his food.


She's the only one allowed to have a stupid, whorish mouth around here.

Certainly, there are far more examples we could examine, from Louis Cyr's attempts to eat all of the food on Earth to Sergio Oliva's see-food diet, even precontest, which consisted of banana pancakes, sodas, boatloads of eggs, hamburgers, chocolate shakes, steak, and pre-and post-workout protein shakes, but I think I've made my point.  To get big and strong, one has to eat like they want to get big and strong.  Before I hear a "but, but, but, I caaaaaaaaan't eat that muuuuuuuuuuuch", allow me invite you to slap yourself in your stupid, whorish mouth and remind you that yes, you fucking can.  Stop being a little fucking bitch.


Always nice to see another strength author who practices what he preaches.  McCallum was no bitch.

To that end, John McCallum, longtime writer for Strength and Health, has your back.  I've written in the past about his "Souped Up Soup", which he recommended you add to every meal, but McCallum had another trick up his extra-tight sleeves.  Second only to Rheo Blair in his attempts to spread the gospel of the ultra-high protein diet, McCallum created the Get Big Drink to get his readership jacked.  Unlike Rheo Blair, McCallum didn't own a protein company- he was just serious about his protein.  "You've got to eat protein like it's going out of style.  I keep protein tablets in my mouth all the time.  My meals are heavy protein.  I drink milk instead of water.  I pack the tablets down the beach and eat them constantly" (McCallum 473).



McCallum recommended that the following recipe daily and store in a jug in the fridge.  Every hour or so, he recommended hitting the fridge for a glassful, drinking the shake following a meal, but never in the place of one.

McCallum's Get Big Drink
  • 6-8 scoops of protein (144-192g protein)
  • 2 quarts of whole milk (62g protein)
  • 2 cups of dry skim milk (48g protein)
  • 2 eggs (16g protein)
  • 4 tablespoons peanut butter (16g protein)
  • Half a brick (.875 quarts or 462 grams) of chocolate ice cream (15g protein)
  • 1 small banana (1.3g protein)
  • 4 tablespoons malted milk powder (17g protein)
  • 6 tablespoons of corn syrup

That brings you to between 319 and 367 grams of protein per day, in addition to the three food meals you're already eating.  Frankly that might seem like overkill to some of you, but it wouldn't have to the Saxon Trio- they'd probably call you a lightweight and then go juggle triangular weights you couldn't lift off the ground.  After 6 weeks of McCallum's drink and hard training, however, it's safe to say you might have a shot at budging a weight or two off the floor.



For myself, I add two tablespoons of cream to my protein shakes when keto dieting, to add calories and slow the digestion of the shake.  I've also found it useful to ass a single scoop of protein in water to the tail-end of any meal to add in adding weight.  I recently discovered Jim Wendler does this as well, and if he's cutting he adds it to the beginning of the meal, to help reduce his appetite.  Either way, you're getting extra protein and ensuring that the gains will come.



So, there you have it- if you're weaker than you should be, smaller than you should be, or a combination thereof, it's your own fucking fault.  Eat more and lift heavy and the gainz will come as the wise ones hath foretold.

Sources:
Bryant, Josh.  The M&F “GFH” Diet.  Muscle and Fitness.  Web.  3 Oct 2014.  http://www.muscleandfitness.com/nutrition/gain-mass/mf-gfh-diet?page=2

Croft, Henry.  100% British Beef: The Reg Park Story.  Gym Talk.  24 Jun 2013.  Web.  3 Oct 2014.  http://www.gym-talk.com/the-reg-park-story/

Everson, Jeff.  Incredible muscle mass: How Sergio Oliva and Victor Richards built theirs.  Strength Old School.  8 Jan 2010.  Web.  3 Oct 2014.  http://www.strength-oldschool.com/topic/108-incrediable-muscle-mass-how-sergio-oliva-and-victor-richards-built-their-physiques/

Gaudreau, Leo.  The Saxon trio: what they ate and how they trained.  Natural Strength.  Web.  3 Oct 2014.  http://www.bobwhelan.com/history/saxontrio.html

Liederman, Earle.  Bill "Peanuts" West.  The Tight Tan Slacks of Dezso Ban.  17 Sep 2009.  Web.  3 Oct 2014.  http://ditillo2.blogspot.com/2009/09/bill-peanuts-west-earle-liederman.html

McCallum, John.  Keys To Progress.  Nevada City: IronMind, 1993.

Rheo Blair Protein- How to mix the protein drink.  Iron Guru.  Web.  3 Oct 2014.  http://www.ironguru.com/rheo-blair-protein-how-to-mix-the-protein-drink

Training Methods of Larry Scott.  Iron Guru.  Web.  3 Oct 2014.  http://www.ironguru.com/training-methods-of-larry-scott

24 September 2014

Baddest Motherfuckers Ever: Phil "the Man With Four Legs" Grippaldi


Child stars are invariably more fucked up than a bondage scat porn film set to the looped theme songs of beloved childrens' movies, yet the world constantly looks at them, hands wringing, and wonders "why?" and "how could we have saved them?" when in fact the answer is usually obvious.  It likely surprised no one when Dana Plato offed herself with Valium after years of being shit-poor on the heels of starring in Diff'rent Strokes- her cunt mom had been forcing the kid through audition after audition as a toddler, and Plato was whacked out of her head on coke as a 14 year old actress.  Same goes for Justin Bieber- the world will breathe a collective sigh of relief when that human shitstain hangs himself in a closet wearing nothing but a pair of thigh high stockings and a butt plug after being forced into pop stardom by an overbearing, formerly drug addicted, super ripshit pissed for Jesus (yet hates the Jews) mother.  Though strength sports rarely have child stars, they're not immune to this issue either- that's why when Phil Grippaldi, former protege of bouncer and bodyguard to the half-dead starvation model Twiggy, got arrested as the world's oldest crack dealer at age 61, exactly no one was surprised.


On the left, Phil Grippaldi, at under 90kg.  On the right, Russ Knipp, world record holder in the press at 75kg, flexing his paltry 15" arm.  Apparently the 30 lb difference in bodyweight was entirely in the arms.

Born in 1946 in the postapocalyptic nuclear wasteland of New Jersey, Grippaldi started training at age 14 under the watchful eye of a massive amateur, non-competitive bodybuilder Mike Gubliano.  Gubliano had this little guido trashing his arms for three hours a day in the company of like-minded spaghetti-gobbling benchbros, and by age 16 all of his hard work paid off.  No, Redditors, the kid didn't end up in a cemetery from doing hours of curls and close grip bench presses every single day- he ended up a 16 year old kid with 19 inch arms weighing under 190 lbs, and likely more sopping wet vagina thrown at him on the street on a daily basis than most of us will see in the span of our lives (Everson, Gallagher "Phil" 2).



Shortly thereafter, Grippaldi met the coach of the legendary Keasby Eagles weightlifting team, which churned out badass American Olympic weightlifters throughout the 1960s and 1970s.  In his weightlifting debut, Grippaldi smashed the Junior World Record at 90kg by 35 lbs, then entered the Senior Nationals for his second meet and placed second to world record holder Bill March with another Junior World Record in the press with a 348 lb attempt.  The following year he switched coaches and broke his own record again with a 352 press.  At this point, the dude with arms so fucking big that he was studied by Soviet scientists seemed like he was on the verge of bending over the Eastern block and fucking it in the ear by himself.  That, however, was not exactly how things would play out.
"The grimly serious Grippaldi’s arms were so hypertrophied from bodybuilding done in his teens that the Russian weightlifting experts at the Soviet Academy of Sport—in an article translated for American magazines—diagnosed those prodigious arms as the cause of a technique problem that inhibited his ultimate success. Phil may have been okay with that. He didn’t get Olympic gold, but a silver medal and a band of worshippers is not too bad" (McKeen 87) .

In 1968, Grippaldi beat weightlifting legend Bill March in the national championships like he was a 20 year old Mike Tyson going up against an aging Joe Frazier, clocking a sick 1,055 lb three lift total.  Grippaldi went on to be a sensation on the international circuit, racking up some incredibly impressive finishes for an American whose nation had turned its collective back on weightlifting 20 years prior.  Working as a teacher by day and putting in 20 to 30 hours of training a week, Grippaldi continued to log massive numbers, even after his pet exercise, the press, was discarded like a used condom to cut down on duration of weightlifting meets (Gallagher "Phil").  In spite of his nearly legendary success, however, an elbow injury sustained in competition in 1980 destroyed Grippaldi's Olympic gold aspirations, although he attempted a comeback training only his legs that was apparently comprised of nothing but thousands of 1,000 pound-plus leg presses (McKeen 93).  No one's quite sure how a teacher consumed with lifting could only have an ending crazier than the beginning, it seems, but it seems only fitting looking at the way he lived.



Phil Grippaldi's Relevant Stats
Height: 5'5"
Weight: 195 lbs.
Arms: 20"-22" (depending on the source)

Best Lifts
Clean and Press: 396 lbs.
Clean and Jerk: 451 lbs. 
Snatch: 341 lbs.



Competition History
1st- 1967 Pan American Games, 90kg
2nd- 1970 World Championship, 90kg (160kg Press, 140kg Snatch, 190kg Jerk)
1st- 1971 Pan American Games, 90kg
1st- 1975 Pan American Games, 90kg

By all accounts, Phil Grippaldi's training methods ranged from "jesus fuck, he's a maniac" to "my eyes are bleeding watching this guy."  According to Jeff McKeen, a light warmup prior to pulling consisted of 5 totally cold reps with 495 on the squat, at which point he was ready to rock.  The guys around him considered him to be a demi-god, so Grippaldi was always the one setting the pace for their marathon workouts.  Thought the workouts varied widely, their mainstay lifts almost never changed.  On average, Grippaldi's workouts looked like this:

Monday, Wednesday, Friday
Front Squats
Back Squats
Snatch
Power Clean

Tuesday, Thursday
Press
Snatch
Clean and Jerk
Bench Press
Power Rack:
Four 10 second holds in full extended position

Saturday
Total on all three lifts



Unlike most Olympic lifters of the time, Grippaldi absolutely refused to quit curling and benching, and for that reason often had trouble making weight at meets (Charniga).  Though most Olympic lifters though bench pressing would impede their shoulder flexibility, Grippaldi just knocked out shoulder dislocates before, during, and after benching to maintain a full range of motion.  Additionally, Grippaldi was famous in his gym for breaking lifts down into their component parts and training his weak points doing that.  This is how he build his press to such prodigious poundages- he'd identify component parts and use unrelated lifts to strengthen different parts of each lift, rotating the assistance work on a weekly basis (Gallagher "Grippaldi"). 



To make his sick overhead press so disgusting it caused nubile women to spontaneously ovulate in his presence, Grippaldi did the following three things:

  1. Blast his body with a wide array of non-shoulder specific assistance exercises
  2. Focus on press-related assistance exercises
  3. Refine his technique like a hipster refines his palette for wine tastings


In regards to the first point, which might seem about as sensible as owning one of those massive diesel pickup trucks dudes with micropenises have embraced during a global energy crunch, Grippaldi identified his abs and intercostals as incredibly important factors in his press.  Just as it'd be retarded to build a house on a sinkhole, it'd be fucking stupid to attempt and overhead press with a weak midsection.  According to the man himself, “A lifter must have excellent abdominal and intercostal strength and to that end it is imperative that the lifter employ some of the following abdominal exercises in his routine.  Ab work aids in creating the ‘giant spring.’ During the Olympic press the abs and hips must be coordinated to create the initial thrust. On a related note: remember to drive the hips forward as the weight is being pressed. A lifter must isolate and work on his thrust” (Gallagher "Grippaldi")



Everyone's heard about the exercise du jour in that era for abs- guys like Serge Nubret and Frank Zane were famous for building their shredded midsections with thousands of unweighted Roman Chain situps.  While Grippaldi gave no fucks about stepping on a bodybuilding stage, he did take a page out of the bodybuilders' book and start doing Roman chair situps holding a 20kg plate either behind his head or on his chest.  Unlike Frank Zane, who would do sets of over 50 reps, Grippaldi held his shenanigans to 20 reps or less (Ibid).


181lb Gennady Ivanchenko regularly did hyperextensions with a 220lb barbell behind the neck to build that sick impression of the Grand Canyon where his spine should be.

After he knocked out abs, Grippaldi would flip over and do weighted hyperextensions to build thick spinal erectors.  This was the exercise of the Russians, and powered some of their most famous lifters to greatness just on the strength of their spine.  Though some Russians did these with a 220lb barbell behind their neck, Grippaldi stuck to a plate behind the neck or held to the chest and kept his reps between 5 and 15 (Ibid).



Grippaldi's direct shoulder assistance work was fairly conventional.  It consisted of:

70-degree Incline Barbell Press- 6 x 5
Seated Overhead Dumbbell Press- 6 x 5
Push press- 5 x 3
Isotonic/isometric rack pressing- 4 x 3.  This bears some explanation, as this was incredibly popular in the 1970s but has completely fallen out of use, likely because racks only come with a single set of pins.  Should you have access to two sets for a single rack, here's how these are done- break the lift into thirds.  Set one set of pins at the bottom third of the rep and the other set at the top, then press the barbell from one set of pins to the other, holding the third rep against the top pins for 3-5 seconds.

"There was something wrong with us.  We chose a sport with no pot of gold and no rainbow.  Weightlifters didn't get appearance fees or product endorsements, do commercials or interviews, and most spent their entire income on their training and travel to competitions.  Some lifters got fed up, and turned pro wrestler, or switched to the new sport of professional strongman competition; the strong legs and backs of Olympic lifters made it a natural transition. 
And we usually passed on fun.  Fun was tied to spontaneity outside of the weight room.  Skiing for the weekend?  Might get injured.  Trip to the Outer Banks?  Where should I train?  "You are going to the gym on Christmas Day?" my wife demanded, incredulous.
"It's Wednesday.  Wednesday is jerk day.  I'll just be a couple of hours," I said.
"It is Jerk Day, isn't it?"  She turned away.  Why the turn wasn't permanent, I'm not sure.
All that for the possible reward of respect by a few thousand or so Olympic lifters in the country, of being a Grippaldi.  We few, we slap-happy few" (McKee 90-91).

So, he might not have ended up a world champion... and he might have ended up a piece of shit slinging crack rock on the corner, but for a decade, Phil "The Man With Four Legs" Grippaldi was the baddest motherfucker under 200lbs the world had ever seen, and was regarded as a god.  He represented everything awesome about an entire generation of lifters to that generation.  For ten years, no one looked back to the past for inspiration- they just looked across a dimly lit shithole of a gym to a dude with sides of beef for arms and an abject hatred of being a mere human.



Sources:
Charniga, Jr., Andrew. There Is No System, Part IV.  Sportivnypress.  2009. Web.  25 Jan 2014.  http://www.sportivnypress.com/documents/54.html

Connelly, Michael.  An Informal Boston Education: Boston Boomers, Beaches, Buddies, Broads, Bars, Beer, Baseball, and Barbells.  Bloomington: iUniverse, 2007.

Everson, Jeff.  True Or False.  The tight tan slacks of Dezso Ban.  30 Sept 2008.  Web.  25 Jan 2014.  http://ditillo2.blogspot.com/2008/09/true-or-false-jeff-everson.html

Gallagher, Marty.  Grippaldi the Great: How to Train the Overhead Press.  1 Aug 2013.  Web.  25 Jan 2014.  http://startingstrength.com/index.php/site/article/grippaldi_the_great_how_to_train_the_overhead_press/P3#.UuSHtPQo5tQ

Gallagher, Marty.  Phil Grippaldi: Boy Wonder.  Starting Strength.  2012.  Web.  24 Sep 2014.  http://startingstrength.com/articles/grippaldi_history_gallagher.pdf

McKeen, Jay.  Heavy Metal Days.  Cimarron Review.  May 2012.  Web.  24 Sep 2014.  http://cimarronreview.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/169mckeen.pdf

16 September 2014

The Lemmy Of Strength Sports- Inside The World Of The USAWA #2

I'd fuck her, but then I also like odd lifts.

As we covered in the previous installment of this series, all-round lifting is about as popular in the strength world as an obese woman in a thong is on a Miami beach.  Part of the reason behind this, one might surmise, is the complete ignorance of the vast majority of lifters that all-round lifting exists.  The only magazine to acknowledge the existence of the sport is Milo, which though awesome could hardly be described as well-known.  In spite of their obscurity, the competition lifts of the USAWA / IAWA seem like they might be fun to try.  That said, one could write the coolest fucking book on the planet, but who gives a shit if it's printed on newspaper in the back lot of a porn shop in Detroit?  No one's ever going to have the chance to read it, so the hilarity and awesome inside will languish in some sticky, unlight corner of Detroit's back alleys... just like all round lifting.


As such, it's time to get the word out about odd lifting, as it'll serve a s a break from the tedium of doing the same things over and over in the gym, if nothing else.  There are over 170 contestable lifts in the USAWA, ranging from the commonplace to the comical to the ridiculous.  I'm not going to bore you guys with the complete list of lifts and how they're to be conducted, because that'd be a waste of everyone's time and the USAWA handbook, which contains all of the lists, is available online if you wish to check it out.Instead, I'll just cherrypick some oddities and obscurities you might find interesting, compelling, or at least a pleasant distraction for whatever boring bullshit you happened to be doing before reading this.


Allen Lift: As many of you know, I'm a hell of a researcher, and I take my research seriously.  In spite of that fact, I occasionally come up short- the only place I could find any information on this lift at all was in the USAWA rule book, so I have no idea who this is named after, when people started doing it, or why.  As for what it is, it's a sit-up from the ground with arms locked overhead, holding weight.  If the bar moves inside a straight line from hip to shoulders or arms bend, the lift is disqualified.  In that way, it's similar to a competitive stone lift I've written about before from India.  Lest you think there are people out there with abs that make Ross Enaimit look like a doughey chump, no one in the IAWA has used more than an unloaded bar for this, and most lifters are considerably weaker than that.



Arthur Lift: The Arthur Lift is so named, if you couldn't guess, because it seems to emulate a trick lift Arthur Saxon used to do in his act.  That lift, however, used a powdered ovoid bag with no corners to grab filled with flour, and one end of the bag had a loose, heavy block of iron in it to make grabbing and balancing it more difficult.  Edward Aston stated of the Saxon Sack, "I do not believe that any man in the World, save Arthur Saxon himself, could lift and carry off his sack in the manner on which he insisted. This style compelled one to grasp and lift the sack from the floor to the knee, then to the thighs, and thence to the shoulder and finally overhead" (Aston).  That sack weighed 280 lbs, and the other sack used for similar competitions the Apollo sack, was heavier and had to be walked off stage on the lifter's back.  Apollo's sack, however, could be raised any way the lifter liked, so both Aston and Saxon lifted it by laying on the ground and pulling it onto their back, then standing with it.  The Arthur Lift seems to be a weird Sci Fi Channel monster-style chimera of the two lifts mixed, and it appears (very anecdotally), that Saxon himself did 386lbs on this movement.  Modern lifters haven't come close to that- record lifts range from 105kg to 135kg between the 65kg and 105kg weightclasses, and superheavies (who outweighed Saxon by at least 40 lbs) have only managed 135kg.  Essentially, if you're moving 200-300 lbs on this lift, you're a bona fide Chuck Norris-esque hardass and likely grow a full beard in a single day.  You also have way to much fucking time on your hands if you're doing this silliness with any regularity.

Danny Padilla, "The Giant Killer", busting out a sick 225lb cheat curl at a bodyweight of around 180lbs- a 1.25x BW curl!

Cheat Curl with 5' straight bar.  Before you scoff at the picture above due to indoctrination propegated by halfwits on internet messageboards, bear in mind that Arnold was famous for doing these and was quoted as saying "cheating barbell curl stands alone for building mass” (Muscle and Fitness Editors).  Not even the USAWA give a shit if this turns into a bizarre reverse power clean- Arnold started this lift with a huge forward lean and then ripped the fucking bar up in a half swing/half hip thrust aided reverse grip clean.  Per the USAWA, the lifter stands upright at finish of lift, but there is no rule about how the rest of the lift is conducted- just get the fucking bar up and eat a steak so you can bath in the gainz that are surely coming.  In competition, spotters can lower the weight after the "Down" signal.  If you want metrics for what's awesome, the tiny 55kg guys are curling 62.5 kg, and the range pretty steadily increases by weight class to 110kg for the superheavies.  or the ladies, the grouping is much tighter- ranging from 42.5 kg to 50 kg between 50kg and 105kg in bodyweight.


Strict Curl.  This record might still be held by none other than rambling, jacked Youtube sensation CT Fletcher, who busted out a 225 lb strict curl with a cambered bar about 25 years ago.  Since then, the there's not really been a single federation or a single source to determine who's the best at the lift, so I doubt anyone's sure who the superheavyweight record holder actually is.  In the USAWA, the lifter's ass and upper back must stay in contact with wall, and they must use a 5' bar (the fed CT set his record in allowed a cambered bar).  Spotters can lower the weight after "Down" signal.


1 Person 1 Finger On Each Hand Deadlift:  A favorite of Hermann Goerner, I can attest personally to the fact that this lift fucking hurts.  You never know what true soreness is until your fingers are swollen and achy from one finger deadlifts.  Well, I would surmise it'd be not unlike the saddle soreness a chick might get after a 100 man gangbang.  Yeah, it's that painful.  In competition, the spotters can lower weight if need be, so the lifter really just needs to get the weight to lockout.

The IAWA actually contests this lift with each one of the fingers (I cannot imagine trying to deadlift with pinkies only), so if you want to give some of these a shot and see how you stack up, go here.


Ziegler Clean: Quite frankly, I cannot imagine how in the fuck this lift could be completed- it's a clean while balancing a 2.5 lb plate on your head.  If the plate falls, it's no lift.  In an effort to locate the source of this lift, I came up empty.  The only possible attribution one could give this lift is to Dr. John Ziegler, who was the physician who came to be known as "the Father of Dianabol" after supplying Bob Hoffman's lifters with gear in the 1950s.  Ziegler wasn't just some pasty-faced nerd, though- at 6'4" 240lbs, he met Hoffman's lifters in a Maryland gym.  While I can't state definitively that this goofy nonsense was thought up by the man responsible for the proliferation of steroids in the US, it's not outside of the realm of possibility (Fair).



Judd Clean and Jerk: This, for me, is a recipe for disaster- I have all of the balance and grace of a drunken Andre the Giant.  As such, attempting a clean and jerk while standing on one foot seems on par with Hitler's decision to make a three pronged attack into Russia.  Normal people who aren't as wide as they are tall might enjoy this lift- frankly, I have no idea what normal people enjoy.  If you want to give the Judd a shot, you just follow the rules of the normal clean and jerk, but must be done on a single leg only, and your non-lifting leg cannot touch the ground or your body at any time.

Gotcha!

Kneeling Military Press: Being the witty motherfucker I am, I prefer to think of this as the Gloryhole Press.  As you can imagine, it's just a strict press from a kneeling position.  The lifter must clean the weight from the floor while kneeling, then press without excessive layback.  For the skeptical amongst you,  I'll remind you that world destroying strongman and log press world record holder Zydrunas Savickas (499lb log press) is famous for doing seated overhead presses on the floor, in the rack.  As I lack the flexibility to sit on the floor like that, this seems like a viable alternative.



Miller Clean and Jerk: The Miller clean and jerk is an odd one- it's an ultra painful clean and jerk using only the middle fingers of each hand, and only a couple of lifters in history have beaten his 135 lb effort in this lift.  Wilbur Miller was a top ten heavyweight in the US at Olympic weightlifting, and for a while was the world record holder in the deadlift at 242 with a 725 pull.  For any of you who've seen the ancient, deep dish York plates in an old gym, it's said that Miller was the reason York ditched them- he couldn't fit enough weight onto the bar to max out (Myers). In any event, if you manage 135 in this lift, you're kicking the ass of an American strength sports legend, and if you can hit 167 you've beaten the heaviest effort ever recorded on this lift.



Jackson Press: Named after one of the founding members of the USAWA and rival lifter to the aforementioned badass Wilbur Miller, the Jackson Press is so named because USAWA lifter Wayne Jackson was famous for his 300lb reverse grip clean and press.  Some of you may recall this seemed to be a popular lift in the US for some time, as John Grimek is legendary for having nearly been beaten in a competition at that lift by a drunken, geriatric longshoreman.  The Jackson Press omits the clean, though, and is simply a press from the racks, using a reverse grip.  Start position for the lift is with the bar on the chest, at least two steps away from the rack.  At the press command, the lifter presses, and holds the bar at lockout until they receive a down command.  No world records are listed for this one, but if you find yourself in the 70+kg range, you're in with the world record holders on the reverse grip clean and press.


Scott Lift: In spite of diligent searching, I've no fucking clue where this exercise comes from- even the USAWA admits it's obscure.  It is, however, a Zercher Lift that starts with the the lifter on their knees with the bar placed in the crooks of the elbows.  If need be, momentum can be built by rocking the bar back and forth, but the lifter must stand with the bar in the crooks of their elbows.  This is basically the USAWA's lifting version of Kuato from Total Recall, if you could imagine making Kuato even more disgusting and less easy to understand.



Kelly Snatch: This lift is also known as the Reverse Swing and is as obscure as it looks painful.  Looking at this lift, I'm wondering if the USAWA lifters would start jamming sewing needles into their taint and rose stems up their urethra to get an extra 50 lbs on their bent press if they discovered Albert Fish secretly broke Saxon's record.  Granted, is it worth trying out with a dominatrix just in case?  Probably, but that still wouldn't have me in the gym doing Kelly Snatches, which seem far more likely to rip my shoulders out of the sockets than they do useful.  In any event, for these, the bar is behind the lifter on the floor, as in an Arthur Lift.  Grip width and foot placement is up to the lifter, but the feet must be parallel and in line with the torso. Then, through a combination of bad decision making, double jointed shoulders, child sacrifice, and sorcery, the bar is somehow teleported at arms length over the lifter's head.  No world records are listed for this bad boy, either, presumably because people really like having full use of their arms.



That'll do it for now, as you'd not imagine how much random research goes into hunting down these lifts.  I'll hit you guys with another installment of wacky lifts soon, however, just in case you've got a bug up your ass to crack a world record in a sport not even the guys at your gym are aware exists.

Sources:
Aston, Edward.  The physical superman.  The Superman Magazine.  Dec 1930.  http://www.davidgentle.com/sandow/aston/hints.pdf

Fair, JD.  Isometrics or Steroids? Exploring new frontiers of strength in the early 1960s.  J Sport Hist. Spr 1993;20(1):1-24. http://library.la84.org/SportsLibrary/JSH/JSH1993/JSH2001/jsh2001b.pdf

Glassman, Greg.  The odd lifts.  The Crossfit Journal Articles.  Jan 2003;5:1-3.  http://www.crossfit.com/journal/library/05_03_The_Odd_Lifts.pdf
USAWA Official Rulebook

IAWA World Records.  IAWA.  8 Jan 2012.  Web.  16 Sep 2014.  http://www.havengym.org.uk/PDF/WR_Index.pdf

Myers, Al.  USAWA Official Rulebook.  8th Ed.  Web.  16 Sep 2014.  http://www.usawa.com/USAWA%20Uploads/2010/05/RULEBOOK-8th-Edition.pdf

Myers, Al.  Wilbur Miller.  USAWA.  16 Apr 2013.  Web.  16 Sep 2014.  http://www.usawa.com/tag/wilbur-miller/

Smith, Art.  Wilbur Miller, power perfectionist.  The Tight Tan Slacks of Dezso Ban.  24 Sep 2009.  Web.  16 Sep 2014.  http://ditillo2.blogspot.com/2009/09/wilbur-miller-power-perfectionist-art.html

Van Vleck, Thom.  Wayne Jackson: chasing strength.  USAWA.  20 Dec 2013.  Web.  16 Sep 2014.  http://www.usawa.com/tag/wayne-jackson/